blue, 2008, main

life is short

love like no tomorrow

Mistakes and making an ass of yourself.
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Not gonna elaborate so much, as I'm updating through an android, but I've hit this realization that I'm actually thankful for moments occasionally where I completely lose control, because it usually prevents me from ever doing it again, or at least not for a while.

At the same time, I can't dwell too much on the mistakes I made yesterday, else I'm not prepared to be my best for now and tomorrow.

That's all for now.

Posted via LjBeetle

Kathy Elizabeth Bowen Lewis 05/09/1957 - 03/17/2001
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Ten years? I remember thinking my life couldn't go on when I lost my mother at 16, because I was losing my mother AND my best friend.  Throughout my life I've often thought that she was the one person who ever truly loved me, and truly "got" me. I knew my mother was proud of me, and she would have been supportive of me no matter what I chose to do in life. 

My mother called me her miracle baby. She had me after doctors told her she wouldn't have kids. She conceived me with half an ovary. I came out breech. Stubborn from day one, I guess, a trait I shared with my mother!

She was such a lovely person. Yea, she could be mean. She could be downright cruel. But beyond all of that, she was also one of the sweetest, most kind hearted, GIVING people I knew. She picked up strangers and gave them rides. She once found a homeless woman at McDonalds, bought her dinner, and put her up at the church. The woman called weeks later to thank her, because she now had a job and a place to stay. My mother had a very difficult life, with many horrible things in her past, but nothing seemed to shake her love of God, and her desire to help those around her. It's very inspiring.

She had a bad side, though... she had a temper and would say really ugly and hurtful things. This is something I've regrettably inherited from her, it seems, but I'm making it my mission in life to take the good I got from her... the same determination to help those around me, and to live as though the things that hurt me don't bother me.

as I grow older, I see myself becoming more and more like her. She was one of a kind... ask anyone who knew her! She was kind, funny, crazy, and just made you feel better by talking to her.

It's a shame she was taken so early. I feel like I could have become even more close to her as an adult, and I feel very sad that I never got this chance.

That's why I try my best not to be angry at people, ever. We never know how much time we have. We never know if we have tomorrow, or even the next  hour to say "I'm sorry", or to give a hug. My Mom was in her 40's. Very young... I didn't think I'd lose her when I did.

Another random thought...
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I probably shouldn't obsess over such things, but it drives me absolutely batshit crazy when I've tried explaining something 5,000 times in just as many ways to someone and they still don't get it. Especially if it's something that has evoked any sort of emotion. I can't figure out if maybe I need to explain 5,001 times, or maybe they're stupid, or maybe they really don't care, but I'm obsessed with going on until I get an "Okay, I get it."

The LiveJournal text box is acting crazy tonight. It figures... the one time in eternity I feel like doing some serious blogging the site is going to act crazy.

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Have you ever had to make a decision in life where you feel like there is no right answer? Can't say I'm there... I can say it's too late. Obsessing over it in my head, over and over, until I'm dizzy and sick still doesn't produce a "right" decision, but the one I made seems most definitely wrong, as it still keeps me up at night.

I really wish I hadn't deleted my old LiveJournal. And no, this isn't the decision that has thrown me into a state of borderline psychosis, but it is something I've been thinking about lately. I remember reading through a good bit of it a good 8+ months ago and thinking "Damn, I sure was one crazy fucking kid!", and I remembered being stuck in that struggle of debating; Who is right? The people telling me I'd get more love and acceptance if I conform, or the people telling me they admire me for being outspoken, different, and 100% real.  Not many people say that, but I feel the support for the latter is more true, and I feel like I'm coming across this again in my life. You're almost 27, Maggie. It's time to give in to society and become a drone. Stop fighting it.

What's really on my mind right now? Aside from the constant internal debate of whether choices I've made were right or wrong, and just what IS OR WAS the right answer, I've been stuck on this bit;

Acceptance of humanity.

If you hang around any one person long enough, you'll see things. Beautiful things, funny things, dark and ugly things... Sometimes one prevails more than the other. If you spend enough time around them, actually, you might notice long periods of time where one thing completely drowns out the other. But me, I am (was?) a hopeless optimist concerning the human heart and soul, as I was able to seek out the inner beauty, the inner peace, the inner goodness that lies within us all, even when the surface seemed cold, dark, and ugly. I've discovered many times in life that, knowing the beauty is there, the love is there, the kindness is there... if i patiently await its return, it's well worth it... mainly because I prove myself right that, yes, goodness exists in all of us, and it usually feels good to the person I was loyal to and stuck around in all their loathsome negativity, that there was someone around that would do most of what they could to lift them up instead of kick them while they're down, abandon them, or constantly criticize.  This has earned me a handful of amazingly loyal, warm hearted friends.

... this has also caused me a lot of bitterness, though, when I put up with a lot of shit from people who'll drop me like a hot rock when I'm the one needing the support.

If there's a lesson I really need to sink in, it's that I can't save everybody. Or anybody. Or right now, even myself. I usually feel good about the trait I listed above, this optimism about love and such... but lately it's been a weight I can't really take on. If I'm drowning, I can't pull a half dozen others to shore. It can't be done.

So, here's a question I've often asked myself, because people tell me I need to... how do I care more about myself than others? Because really, I just don't... it's not because I lack confidence (sometimes I do... sometimes we all do) but I really struggle with being consciously selfish. I've been told I have no problem being unconciously selfish, which may be true... so why can't I care about me, me, me, me, me? Let go of them, them, them, them, and that other guy...

This has, perhaps, turned into another one of those entries that makes sense to nobody but myself. So be it.

2001 Maggie
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Life most definitely passes by quicker than you realize. Sometimes it seems like almost yesterday when I was barely a teenager, wishing I'd be 21 TOMORROW. Well, now I'm 26, soon to be 27, and I really wish it'd all just slow down.

I've been digging into my younger self lately, though; what I was into a decade back. Some things change, some things stay the same.

I've noticed several times in life already, though, that sometimes revisiting something from your past, such as a song, book, or movie allows you to pick up on so much more of what was going on than your younger mind may have picked up. For example... Dave Navarro. I used to have a HUGE, MASSIVE, BORDERLINE OBSESSIVE crush on Dave Navarro, who was honestly the focus of many adolescent masturbatory fantasies. I loved his music as well, and I thought I got it, but I didn't... Actually, I used to think a lot of his lyrics were quite stupid and elementary, but listening years later I've only realized that it's less lack of writing ability and more toward... dry humor.

Take for example a few lines I always found ridiculous...

(in the background of a song)  "Let's go swimming."

I wish I could accurately explain my state of mind when hearing this song last and I could explain as well how absurdly funny I found it, yes, after all these years.  The song itself depicts the contrast of the weather outside compared to the dark, brooding soul inside the body of the musician... and randomly a high-pitched voice in the background sings "Let's go swimming!"  I suppose it hit me as mockery. I can relate to feeling emotionally bent and buried beyond belief (that's a lot of b's) while the world around me is celebrating in the endless sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, and popcicles, and the tone of "Let's go swimming" in the song just made me want to punch someone in the cock... or face... and laugh.

My other favorite...
"How can you say you miss the small things?
Every night I try to show a small thing to you"

... do I really even need to explain? I mean, maybe we aren't talking about what my mind is thinking, but we're talking about Dave Fucking Navarro, and if you try to tell me the thought that this could possibly related to his man-junk never crossed his mind, I'm telling you you're fucking crazy.  And the fact that a man can call his man-junk small in a song, record it, AND release it... yea, that's pretty epic in my book.

But my absolute favorite recent discovery of his is...


<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bImDlP8xWiA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

So yea, I think I've moved beyond my former junkie eyeliner-wearing tattooed up like a mother phase in my life, but damn... I don't think I ever gave this man credit for how intelligent and funny he really is. I still wouldn't kick him out of bed, but I think I'd have more fun just talking to him :)

Dear Blog;
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Dear Blog;

I miss you, I really do. I don't know why we've been apart for long, or how my feelings for you have drifted away. I do know, though, that I want to give our relationship another chance. There are things I'd like to share with the world... my experiences, my dreams, my excitement to finally find an EDM scene that isn't saturated with groupies, egos, and douche bags...

It's time to get inspired :) 

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I used to write in these things quite often. I used to do a lot of things quite often... the blogging, the cooking, the inline skating, reading, day dreaming. I'm at a moment where I can't decide if I'm growing out of the passionate girl I was, or if I'm just currently in some sort of funk where I've lost inspiration in most everything.

I have a lot I can write about, a lot of feelings, emotions, questions, frustrations, musings, and so forth. I think I realized, though, that documenting a good day isn't going to bring it back, and documenting a broken heart isn't going to mend it.

Luckily, at this moment in time, I feel a whole lot of nothing. I've actually felt this way a lot lately. Since shortly after I went to Ohio. It's like a large part of my soul just gave up on life when I left Atlanta, and I've mostly failed at gaining it back. It can almost frustrate me, asking myself what has changed... what have I lost? I don't feel completely empty. I just feel like I've lost a lot of some of my better qualities.

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
It's really hard to relax and trust
that what is meant to be will be. It makes me wonder, though, that if fate is true, do our actions really have much of an overall effect on whatever it is that's meant to be? Is there really ever a need to hold back what you want or what you feel?

My entire concept of certain emotions changed while I was in Ohio. My entire concept of myself changed, honestly.

I want to connect in my prayers tonight. I need to, actually.

Posted via LjBeetle

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
As previously alluded here and there, I'm kinda baffled at my lack of emotion toward the aspects of my life that are shaky right now, as in everything. I've kept myself fairly occupied, which may be helping. When I'm not occupied, like right now, I actually have time to think. As of most recently, I don't like to think. Thinking invokes a focus on reality, which I'm somewhat blessedly aloof from right now, yet simultaneously closer to than I've ever been before. Like a controlled detachment... yea, I'm probably not making much sense.

Anyway... reality. Despite this newly found control I have over emotions such as fear, anger, etc.. it still bothers me when I can't see a clear rhyme or reason behind why things are happening.

I used to be so good at expressing myself with words, now it seems like I can't control my train of thought enough to translate my mind sensibly.

Posted via LjBeetle

Simplicity
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I've come up with a sort of new years resolution, more of a lifelong dream / interest I'm going to put into action, and I'm not telling anybody what it is. I witnessed a friend suddenly land on this same desire a few years back, and she's doing stellar. So... here's to happiness and pleasing myself. Does that sound dirty? ;)

I feel like something has changed in me since I left Atlanta and came back. Somehow I've relaxed my mind... there's a lot going on right now that would normally have me all anxious, crazy, and stressed. Instead, though, I've felt mostly chill and comfortable, at peace, with just some kind of faith that everything is going as planned. It's weird. It's especially weird that it's so weird, yet I'm not weirded out. That's weird ;)

Posted via LjBeetle

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