I've been such a hypocrite lately. People say that you can't help anyone until you help yourself, and I always have so many people telling me I'm strong, I'm encouraging at times, understanding, this, that, and so on and so forth... all the while I sometimes feel like I have to be the most fucked up, helpless, and useless waste of humanity plaguing the earth.
Yea, I'm feeling down right now. I'm getting irrationally upset over my license situation, I'm suddenly deeply missing certain people in my life, I can't sleep, I've stopped eating much, gaining weight, losing energy, just... not good.
I'm also having that inner battle with myself again about trust, and allowing myself to be too nice to people, and going out on a limb for people. All my life I've been the type who would give my last dime to someone else who needed it, and risk my health to make someone else smile, but I tend to make the mistake OVER and OVER and OVER again to offer these tokens of myself to all the wrong folks. You see, giving everything will eventually leave you empty... and where as I feel good when I'm the one helping the person, I tend to mostly feel empty, because some folks just take. And even if you've come to know and come to expect how things inevitably play out, it somehow never seems to hurt less...
I either wish... either I could find some people that can truly be there, like emotionally, even physically THERE, or just disappear altogether. I'm tired of being me, this computer, and a good 40 miles between me and most of my friends. And I just want to see something to work for. I can't always survive on blind faith alone...
... I hope tomorrow is a better day :(
life is short
love like no tomorrow