blue, 2008, main

life is short

love like no tomorrow

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Comfort in chaos.
blue, 2008, main
It's become quite obvious I'm wired differently than most people. Thinking back over times in my life, it seems like any time I'm suffering from restless, exhausted insomnia... it's very, very still and quiet.

The only noise I can hear right now is rain and my computer humming. I'm alone in the house, and... I can't sleep. Perhaps I could if i were in the city, because I tend to rest easier feeling like the world is going on as planned around me. If I'm awake, and I feel like I might be the only one awake for miles, I need to stay awake... as if someone has to be alert around here, for safety. Not that I'm scared to sleep, more like... well, what if something happens that nobody is witness to? I can't explain it.

I remember waking up at night in Lawrenceville from small noises, though, and not being able to go back to sleep. For the longest time I rested easily just because I was sleeping beside someone, but then I slowly, but surely got back into the old habit. I could fall asleep if Bong was working on the computer, or playing games downstairs, but if him coming to bed woke me up, I'd be up for a while.  On weekends I'd usually wake up well before he did and poke around until we ate lunch somewhere, in which he'd then be fully awake, and I'd usually nap for a few hours. 

I can recall many times over the summer, too, where I'd drift off to sleep problem free with different amplified noise coming through all walls, but the times that the house was quiet... I'd be awake.  I'd have to sit on the porch, or sometimes tear off in my car down the road in back, as if fighting off some sort of anxiety caused by silence.

I can't think of anyone else I know who has ever mentioned similar "problems", then again I've never brought it up.. until now.  I guess this may tie into an entry I made almost a year ago about sleeping with the radio on, but I related that to needing to not feel alone. I just now realized, though, without the noise... I can feel smothered by silence even when someone is in the same room, asleep.


Log in