- August 8th, 2011
It seems like I've heard people say from time to time that 27 will be the darkest year of your life, something about the way the moon and stars are aligned compared to when you were born. I guess it's the same as that "27 Club" that has apparently claimed Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and most recently Amy Winehouse. I'm not sure how much I believe in this phenomenon, other than being 27 and admitting; yeah, these times are probably the worst I've ever found myself in.
I have had a string of bad luck and unexplainable depression since my birthday. A lot of the bad luck I've brought upon myself without realizing it, but it has been in higher doses than normal, where I really feel helpless right now, truly and thoroughly. I can honestly say I don't know what to do, don't know where to turn, and for once I can't dig myself out. I need help... but once again I don't know who to ask, what anyone COULD do, or where to begin, as I've literally hit rock bottom; no money, no job, a license about to be suspended...
... and I also know that I've been blind lately, as people have tried to warn me of where I was headed, and even though it was almost too late by the time anyone noticed, I may be better off if I'd paid attention.
I just read over a journal entry I wrote where I was recording the events of an evening playing out where I realized a friend of mine was headed toward rock bottom. Trying to talk sense into the person wasn't working, and I think my relentless effort for those few days actually strained and destroyed the friendship as it was, as I suppose it's human nature to push away anyone who tells you to check yo'self afore you wreck yo'self. Not sure if that'll ever be anything close to a healthy friendship again. But, the part that really stings me about the whole thing is, is now seeing that I've had MANY friends try to tell me the same thing over the last few weeks, and I've reacted the same; I don't have a problem, I know what I'm doing, I've never COMPLETELY lost control before... but, now I have.
And knowing how much it hurt emotionally to accept that the person I was observing didn't have any interest in listening to my sense, I feel really bad for my friends who have been trying to do the same for me. I found this as a comment in a status update from a friend, and I'm going to assume it was about me;
People self destruct right before our eyes, even with love and support. The choice is theirs own to put fear aside and step out of his shadow...until then I watch the train head toward the brick wall.and then
Yea, he isnt going to change, but he is taking her down with him. I just cried and cried before bed last night. Nothing I say matters at all.
I am assuming it is about me because it was the day after I had my little meltdown, my pity party, and basically told everyone I knew to piss off. It could be about anyone, I guess, but KNOWING this is how some people have felt watching me lately, it just makes my heart sink about how blind and selfish I can really be. I'm putting people who care about me through the SAME thing.
So here I am, basically with nothing, and I'm seeing clearly. I'm still not going to say I wish this never happened, or I wish I didn't help this person, or meet that one... because if I ever do manage to pull myself out of this, this will have provided me with some SERIOUS life lessons. But, still... I feel really bad right now :(
I've had so many people reach out, and some folks putting forth a LOT of effort, unexpectedly... and as I couldn't necessarily "fix" my friend, they may not be able to fix me.
But, I promise you now... I see that you all care.