blue, 2008, main

life is short

love like no tomorrow

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
The ugliness in this world is absolutely terrifying.

I feel like a wounded animal these days, hobbling along painfully,, wearily, and confused.



I've never felt so empty. Never felt so desolate. Never thought I'd be a victim of such abuse... Certainly not that I'd take it for the sake of survival. Or is it that I just know I don't deserve Abby better anyways.

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I had a journal for a very short time called SEXDRUGSEDM. The stories were very real, very raw, very intimate... but the experiences perhaps should be kept between myself and those around me living them.

OH LAWD! It's ME!
maggieellen
Wow. I had some pretty depressing shit to say last year, huh? I guess I was pretty depressed in general last year. I guess I've been pretty depressing for life. 

See, up until recently I had this PROBLEM... I thought I was... ugly. I have this HUGE fuckin' nose, and my eyes are weird, like one seems bigger than the other, or higher on my face, I can't explain it, but they're weird... and that HUGE nose points in a certain direction and looks FUCKED UP in pictures, and my teeth aren't straight, and one is chipped. and I have CHIN FAT, and I'M FAT, and one of my titties is bigger than the other, and blah... blah... blah.

... and then there's the shit that I just suck, I'm not pretty, I didn't finish school, I'm STUPID and NOBODY LIKES ME, and I don't have a close relationship with my parents, and bad crap just KEEPS HAPPENING TO ME, and NOBODY WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME UNLESS THEY WANNA FUCK ME, and I don't even know why, because I'm UGLY!

Yes, that was me for 27 years. I don't even know when I began to see differently this last year, but at some point I did... I accepted the cold, hard truth... I'm actually beautiful. No really, I am! I have gorgeous eyes, awesome hair, stellar cheekbones, and a freakin' awesome figure! And I'm FUNNY and I'm LIKABLE and I'm EMPATHETIC, caring, loyal, and... lot's of stuff. 

Anyways. I'm pretty optimistic about life now, even though my life SUCKS right now. I was all bubbles and sunshine at the beginning of the year, cause I was moving close to the city (yay!), I got a new job (yaay!), and I'd met this cute boy who seemed to dig me (YAY!), and I was slowing down with the drinking, and the drugs, and all that shit that was tearing me to pieces this summer when I'd said FUCK YOU, LIFE, WE'RE DONE! and was just waiting to die. I was genuinely happy! 

... so yea, I can't really say I have the job anymore (Paulding Co. suspended my license and my LIFE!), and the boy isn't near as excited to see me anymore, but alas... IDGAF cause I found out this secret... ssshhh...




I'M AWESOME! 

So, yeah. It'll all be okay.

epiphanies
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Where did YOU come from?

Huh?

I've seen you around for years. Then, all the sudden, this redheaded, long-legged, loud, burst of dynamite started popping up everywhere, and I mean EVERYwhere, and people always know you.

Yea... it's a sign I should probably quit.

... why?

Because half of these people probably wish that someone had told them 10 years ago that there is more to life than this.

...

Ten years from now some of these folks are going to look rather silly doing the same things.

You have a point.

Posted via LjBeetle

I can't help falling in love with...
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
... trainwrecks.

You want what out of life? Honestly, I can't tell.

Maybe it's because I empathize. I'm naturally strung out, crazy, neurotic, bipolar, indecisive, sensitive, insecure, and emotional. And I seem to be drawn toward people who are just as... well, crazy, I guess.

I have this weakness for wanting to help anyone who unloads any sort of blatantly obvious and oversized insecurity at me, this hopeless desire to fix them, make them feel normal, as I, myself, have struggled with a lot of issues with confidence and insecurities.

What I keep finding out, though, is where I really am fighting toward a normal, boring life back, these people I become obsessed with helping, who swear they seek calmness and peace, are actually happier in their merry little world of chaos.

... maybe because they can control chaos over calmness? Pretty sure I've been there.

In the end, though, I always get hurt.

I found myself coaching a young man on this just yesterday... you can't program yourself to chase disaster. You fantasize about tragedy because it's all you know, and if you glamorize it, you inevitably bring tragedy to all your relationships, maybe because, subconsciously, you believe you deserve it. You should work to change that.

I seem to chase people who are broken, desperate to fix them. Maybe somewhere inside I feel like it'll make me fix myself.


Posted via LjBeetle

Hello, hypocrite. (me)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
It seems like I've heard people say from time to time that 27 will be the darkest year of your life, something about the way the moon and stars are aligned compared to when you were born. I guess it's the same as that "27 Club" that has apparently claimed Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and most recently Amy Winehouse. I'm not sure how much I believe in this phenomenon, other than being 27 and admitting; yeah, these times are probably the worst I've ever found myself in.

I have had a string of bad luck and unexplainable depression since my birthday. A lot of the bad luck I've brought upon myself without realizing it, but it has been in higher doses than normal, where I really feel helpless right now, truly and thoroughly. I can honestly say I don't know what to do, don't know where to turn, and for once I can't dig myself out. I need help... but once again I don't know who to ask, what anyone COULD do, or where to begin, as I've literally hit rock bottom; no money, no job, a license about to be suspended...

... and I also know that I've been blind lately, as people have tried to warn me of where I was headed, and even though it was almost too late by the time anyone noticed, I may be better off if I'd paid attention. 

I just read over a journal entry I wrote where I was recording the events of an evening playing out where I realized a friend of mine was headed toward rock bottom.  Trying to talk sense into the person wasn't working, and I think my relentless effort for those few days actually strained and destroyed the friendship as it was, as I suppose it's human nature to push away anyone who tells you to check yo'self afore you wreck yo'self.   Not sure if that'll ever be anything close to a healthy friendship again. But, the part that really stings me about the whole thing is, is now seeing that I've had MANY friends try to tell me the same thing over the last few weeks, and I've reacted the same; I don't have a problem, I know what I'm doing, I've never COMPLETELY lost control before... but, now I have.

And knowing how much it hurt emotionally to accept that the person I was observing didn't have any interest in listening to my sense, I feel really bad for my friends who have been trying to do the same for me. I found this as a comment in a status update from a friend, and I'm going to assume it was about me;

People self destruct right before our eyes, even with love and support. The choice is theirs own to put fear aside and step out of his shadow...until then I watch the train head toward the brick wall.
and then

Yea, he isnt going to change, but he is taking her down with him. I just cried and cried before bed last night. Nothing I say matters at all.

I am assuming it is about me because it was the day after I had my little meltdown, my pity party, and basically told everyone I knew to piss off. It could be about anyone, I guess, but KNOWING this is how some people have felt watching me lately, it just makes my heart sink about how blind and selfish I can really be. I'm putting people who care about me through the SAME thing.

So here I am, basically with nothing, and I'm seeing clearly.  I'm still not going to say I wish this never happened, or I wish I didn't help this person, or meet that one... because if I ever do manage to pull myself out of this, this will have provided me with some SERIOUS life lessons. But, still... I feel really bad right now :(

I've had so many people reach out, and some folks putting forth a LOT of effort, unexpectedly... and as I couldn't necessarily "fix" my friend, they may not be able to fix me.

But, I promise you now... I see that you all care.


To feel love, to feel lonely, to feel bitter, and just numb...
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I think people get angry with me sometimes. Why? Well, I'm an unnaturally forgiving person. It's always been fairly easy for me to forgive people, as I understand that, as humans, we're all bound to fuck up, piss each other off, make things awkward, eat each others food, and various other atrocities surely bound to cause bad blood. But alas, I realize that as a part of humanity, we all kinda suck sometimes, and a little bit of slack should be offered to those who at least TRY to be decent. People who find it more difficult to forgive, for whatever reason, tend to get irritated by the fact that I can so easily. I'm not quite sure I get this, but whatever...

... but sometimes I fail, miserably, just like the rest of you. I always preach that you should never, EVER feel regret or guilt toward being kind or helping other people, because there is no reason to regret being a good person. But sometimes, even I sit here and demand from myself "Maggie, the FUCK is wrong with you, you wouldn't be sitting here broke, irritated, and exasperated if you'd just turned your back for once and said "Fuck you, retard, fix your own damn problems."'

But alas, it's that niceness in me that overrides even the strong-coated sarcasm that imitates from the very words I'm typing that always gets me.

Yea, I'm nice, did you know that? A lot of you don't... the rest of you tell me I'm too nice. =P 

But yea, back on point, I'm definitely being a hypocrite today because I'm sitting here counting up the tab on money I've set on fire lately, and I'm thinking... yea, I kinda regret being nice. I'd love to go grocery shopping right now. Oh well.

RAGE.
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
I've been such a hypocrite lately. People say that you can't help anyone until you help yourself, and I always have so many people telling me I'm strong, I'm encouraging at times, understanding, this, that, and so on and so forth... all the while I sometimes feel like I have to be the most fucked up, helpless, and useless waste of humanity plaguing the earth.

Yea, I'm feeling down right now. I'm getting irrationally upset over my license situation, I'm suddenly deeply missing certain people in my life, I can't sleep, I've stopped eating much, gaining weight, losing energy, just... not good.

I'm also having that inner battle with myself again about trust, and allowing myself to be too nice to people, and going out on a limb for people. All my life I've been the type who would give my last dime to someone else who needed it, and risk my health to make someone else smile, but I tend to make the mistake OVER and OVER and OVER again to offer these tokens of myself to all the wrong folks. You see, giving everything will eventually leave you empty... and where as I feel good when I'm the one helping the person, I tend to mostly feel empty, because some folks just take. And even if you've come to know and come to expect how things inevitably play out, it somehow never seems to hurt less...

I either wish... either I could find some people that can truly be there, like emotionally, even physically THERE, or just disappear altogether. I'm tired of being me, this computer, and a good 40 miles between me and most of my friends. And I just want to see something to work for. I can't always survive on blind faith alone...

... I hope tomorrow is a better day :( 

(no subject)
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
Android updates must be quick and to the point. My computer is close, but I love to snuggle up... with myself. :p So I think I've grown out of the phase of putting an expiration date on myself as far as marriage, kids, etc... I'm happy holding out, and I think my friends telling me I should settle down should kindly mind their own. It'll happen, but I'm not gonna freak out about it. If I never marry and just have 10 cats, so be it :) I'm content with myself right now.

Posted via LjBeetle

Comfort in chaos.
blue, 2008, main
maggieellen
It's become quite obvious I'm wired differently than most people. Thinking back over times in my life, it seems like any time I'm suffering from restless, exhausted insomnia... it's very, very still and quiet.

The only noise I can hear right now is rain and my computer humming. I'm alone in the house, and... I can't sleep. Perhaps I could if i were in the city, because I tend to rest easier feeling like the world is going on as planned around me. If I'm awake, and I feel like I might be the only one awake for miles, I need to stay awake... as if someone has to be alert around here, for safety. Not that I'm scared to sleep, more like... well, what if something happens that nobody is witness to? I can't explain it.

I remember waking up at night in Lawrenceville from small noises, though, and not being able to go back to sleep. For the longest time I rested easily just because I was sleeping beside someone, but then I slowly, but surely got back into the old habit. I could fall asleep if Bong was working on the computer, or playing games downstairs, but if him coming to bed woke me up, I'd be up for a while.  On weekends I'd usually wake up well before he did and poke around until we ate lunch somewhere, in which he'd then be fully awake, and I'd usually nap for a few hours. 

I can recall many times over the summer, too, where I'd drift off to sleep problem free with different amplified noise coming through all walls, but the times that the house was quiet... I'd be awake.  I'd have to sit on the porch, or sometimes tear off in my car down the road in back, as if fighting off some sort of anxiety caused by silence.

I can't think of anyone else I know who has ever mentioned similar "problems", then again I've never brought it up.. until now.  I guess this may tie into an entry I made almost a year ago about sleeping with the radio on, but I related that to needing to not feel alone. I just now realized, though, without the noise... I can feel smothered by silence even when someone is in the same room, asleep.

?

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